Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Herpes is trending, good job people
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no