Herpes is trending, good job people
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down