my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Unimpressed
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”