I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.