It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey