It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
men, we mow at sunrise.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Home is where your toilet is.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.