Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
BRAKING NEWS!!
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing