me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.