My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.