The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?