Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Cardio Made Easy
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice