It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.