Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
More like Kate Missington.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?