Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Just a friendly reminder!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that