Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.