Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
this is what they would have looked like, though
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.