@RodLacroix

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

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@LibertyLayne01

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@JohnLyonTweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

@mostly_cheese

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

@DurtMcHurtt

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@dwiskus

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

@originaljrod

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.