‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Well, that didn’t work.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks