Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”