god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it