My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂