Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
first you must answer his riddles
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside