<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.