Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.