Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay