Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.