“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I can fix him.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.