Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Check your privilege
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?