Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
All is fair in drunk and war.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.