I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….