Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
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[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Best seat on the street 😍
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.