Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.