The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”