My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.