I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.