I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam