someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL