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This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.