I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Velcrow
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I thought this was funny lol
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?