That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit


Did you ask her out?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.


Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are


Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*


My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway


‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.


I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”


I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.