That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Current mood: Potato
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.