That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.