@donnie_fairburn

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

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@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

@notalogin

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@IDontSpeakWhine

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

@VikingBut

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

@sofarrsogud

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

@bornmiserable

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

@jlock17

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.