friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
absolutely not
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
☠️☠️☠️