me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.