He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.