I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus