i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Best mom ever 😂
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?