People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.