Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.