(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The answer is funnier than the question
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!