Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please![]()
You Might Also Like
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
![]()
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
![]()