911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Are you ok, human???
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
when someone rings the doorbell
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.