Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.