When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
You Might Also Like
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I want what they have
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud